As you may have guessed, having a Y-chromosome, I have hated Sex and the City, with an intensity that puzzles even me, since it appeared on the small screen. Nevertheless, a few episodes have slipped by my self-censorship nets, and I was drunk enough to watch the first flick. Not drunk enough to enjoy it though – not enough schnapps in the world... The trailer for the new movie filled me with a fresh wave of loathing, and once the urge to projectile-vomit everything I had ever eaten subsided, a few things occurred to me. Here they are, in no particular order. (It might make more sense if you've seen the trailer first: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MjWl-82Yau4&feature=player_embedded)
1. Carrie is retarded.
I understand that this is all from her perspective, but this is just getting stupid. Hypothetical situation: You’re a woman (this is easier if you’re actually female) who has just married her dream man. But wait? What’s this? He’s talking to another woman? Talking!? That BASTARD! Naturally, your first instinct is to get revenge, and when destiny conspires to reunite you with your ex (who you cheated on with your current husband), you take that as a “sign” rationalising your selfish bullshit behaviour. End of hypothesis, beginning of a rage-tic in the corner of my mouth.
2. Samantha is just too old to be a slut anymore.
Samantha has been aggressively receiving man-meat for more years than most of her conquests have been alive. I think it’s safe to say at this point half of her STD’s have evolved into airborne pathogens – the CDC could save a lot of people by just euthanising this Outbreak monkey. Also, the slutty little jokes and skanky comments aren’t even slightly amusing anymore. Old people should be giving life advice and going for early-morning walks along Seapoint Promenade with orthopaedic shoes, not making sly references to their tomb of a vagina.
3. None of these females will ever be happy.
If they stopped complaining and being generally unsatisfied with their lives, this show wouldn’t have made it past season 1. “I want to be marrrrrieed. Now I’m married but it’s borinnng.” “I want to be a mommm. Now I’m a mom and it’s harrrd.” Shut. The. Fuck. Up.
4. Charlotte is still the only hot one.
Miranda and Carrie look like some sort of snarling beast and the horse she rode in on, respectively, and I’ve already gone into the problems with trying to fornicate with Old Mother Time. The fact that any of the guys in the TV show/movies would sleep with any of these women (besides Charlotte) is by far the biggest plot hole.
5. Carrie in that tux is terrifying.
If I saw that coming at me out of the dark, I would kill it without hesitation
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