Dear Facebook ‘Friends’,
I have added you as a friend because a) I like you b) I met you drunk and added you while still drunk c) I like stalking your profile page d) You added me and I didn’t’ have the heart to turn you down e) You post awesome stuff or f) I don’t have the energy to delete you.
However, there are those of you who need to read the following. For me, for you and the future of the interweb as we know it.
1) You can only wish people ‘Happy Birthday’ before they thank everyone for the sentiments on their status.
2) If you ‘RSVP’ to an invite on FB, it’s not a virtual suggestion. Just like the event appears virtually, but is in fact a real event, so is the RSVP a real answer to the invite. SHOW UP.
3) Edit your photos before posting them. With the myriad of modern technology and photo editors, there is really no excuse for posting sideways profile pictures, or photos with red eyes.
4) If you tag people in stupid cartoon pictures saying things like ‘the smart one / the stupid one / the one who poops in his hands / the angelic one who smokes too much marijuana but manages to keep her weight down and usually isn’t the least attractive person at the party’, you should expect to be egged. In real life. Don’t breed.
5) NO-ONE cares about your Farmville/Yo-ville/Mafia Wars addiction. If you yourself are addicted, fine. I don’t publish my Lexulous ‘Bingos’ and remind you of my supreme word power, and I don’t care how many clumsy reindeer wander onto your farm that you help.
6) Quizzes about your former life as an Egyptian actress / ideal ninja turtle / tombstone engraving / FB blood group should, like masturbation, be done in secret, secret shame in the dark, alone.
7) Don’t ‘Like’ your own status. Duh. It’s just assumed. If you didn’t like your own status, then you probably have some serious self-esteem problems that can only be remedied by psychological help (and not, as you may believe, but a hundred FB quizzes that you publish to all your ‘friends’).
8) FB events like this picture annoy EVERYONE!
http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1803745
9) FB arguments like this one should never permeate your page, because this is the only one I have ever seen worth reading.
http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1803025
Happy Facebooking!
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