Hangovers

As I get older, I realize (god-damned Microsoft Word that keeps wanting me to spell this word with a ‘z’….I am not American!) that there is no way to escape a hangover if you drink. Even a glass over my limit and I wake up with a taste like a dead mouse in my mouth, a fuzzy buzzing in my head and slightly bloodshot eyes. Ok, I’m lying about the one glass, but only because I have never only had one glass over my limit. It’s usually more like 7.
When I do something, I do it properly.

However, each hangover has its own defining characteristics:

The wine hangover: dry mouth, fuzzy head. Headache is the worst. Unless you are drinking fancy ass wine off the top shelf, red wine leaves you feeling like a Frenchman is dancing on your brain. White wine leaves that dizzy pain around your eyes. I drink ‘affordable’ wine, which is code lingo for box wine. And I’m not talking Woolworths box wine either. It refers to Robertson box wine for R16 for 500ml. Only time can cure this one.

The beer hangover: Wake up feeling hundreds, bru. And then at about lunchtime it hits you and you want to die. Remedied by a greasy lunch with chips and burgers and hot sauce. And oddly enough, another beer. Which leads me to believe that beer does not in fact make you fat, but in order to remedy the beer drinking, you get fat.
The whiskey hangover: The sneaky one. Gives you a smash headache at around 5. You absolutely cannot eat all day for fear of the nausea. Just take a sick day and sleep it off.

The champagne hangover: Very similar to the wine hangover, but remedied with cappuccino. Not as offensive either, unless it was JC le Roux la fleurette, which I do not consider champagne. You’d be better off drinking Autumn Harvest Crackling.
The “Bhuddist” Hangover: named so because you made sure you had a night when you thought you’d have ‘one with everything’. Combinations of wine, beer, shots and cigarettes. Makes. You. Want. To. Die. You feel like Baglett when she says she was so hung-over that she made a compound sentence and saw it as reason to celebrate. Not encouraged for people over the age of 21. In fact, on your 21st is the last time this sort of drinking is every recommended.

Well I’m suffering from the champagne variety, so I definitely think it’s time to remedy it with a cappuccino. And some cake…