Cinderella:
Sometimes it’s ok to be a gold-digging whore. But only if you want new shoes.
Little Red Riding Hood:
Murder is acceptable, if they tried to murder you first. Scary guys wearing check shirts wielding axes are your friend. Also, your grandma looks like a wolf.
The Three Little Pigs:
Don’t take advice from the first building contractor you meet. People with big houses are always the most generous.
Sleeping Beauty:
Doing drugs on your 16th birthday will cause an opium-induced sleep that will cause you and your boyfriend to hallucinate wildly. Chill out, princess.
Princess and the Pea:
The richer the bitch, the whinier she is.
Rumpelstiltzkin:
Trick people before they trick you. If you give your poor kids stupid names like ‘rumpelstiltzkin’, they will turn into creepy old men who trick young girls into giving them babies.
Rapunzel:
Bad things happen to good people, but good people have the heart to go on living through it. Man, I had forgotten just how sad and reflective of the human condition this story was.
The Emperor’s New Suit:
Being a celebrity is awesome because you can wear what you like (or don’t like). Lucky for him ‘Hello” magazine wasn’t around at that time…
The Little Mermaid:
I’d rather take fish legs and human body than vice versa. Sometimes hot chics are witches in disguise.
The Tortoise and the Hare:
Don’t be an overconfident douche.
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