Etv

Last year at the career fair, while jealously guarding the tea table, I had the pleasure of observing a classic piece of humanity. Wait, I was guarding the tea table from the hungry hordes of students who see stuff and want to have it, regardless of what it is. A well-dressed, highly groomed Jo’burg boytjie is standing a few paces away, loudly chatting away on his cellphone. As he finishes, he looks up and catches my eye.

Jo’burg boytjie: (Nodding) That was E-tv.
Me: Oh.
Jbb: They want me to do an interview.
Me: Oh.
Jbb: I know. It’s ridiculous. I can’t be back in JHB by then.
Me: Oh.
Jbb: But you know, you gotta do what you gotta do. When you play in the big leagues…
Me: Mm.

Granted, I was hardly what I would call erudite, but I had absolutely no idea what to say to this man. Thank god he wasn’t from Natal and didn’t say “hey” with that questioning look after each sentence. There would have been twice as many “ohs” and perhaps another “mm” in the dialogue. I just love the way he had to drop his info all over me. Like, super stuff dude, I’m happy e-tv want to interview you. What the hell am I supposed to say about it? He then followed it up with:

Jbb: It’s another one of those high-profile cases. You know, like the decision in *some incomprehensible case name*.
Me: Mmm.
Jbb: And we all know how that turned out!
Me: Mmm.

Once again…what?

So, this year I was not working at the career fair, but rather roaming the halls trying to score free sh*t, as one does when free sh*t is available to be scored. One of the interesting stalls had peak caps, and despite the fact that I own thousands and never wear any peak caps, I wanted one. So I asked the guy behind the table what I had to do to get a free cap. Lo and behold! Jbb answers:

Jbb: What do you study?
Me: Ag, you know. Like, my masters (well-educated as usual).
Jbb: Give me a CV (with a look in his eyes like Andy Samberg jizzing in his pants).
Me: Er, ok.
Jbb: Now. Do you have one? I want one from you.
Jbb: (Proceeds to discuss in detail why his firm is the sh*t and why I should be blown away. Things ensure. Companies I have never heard of are bandied around. Names are dropped. All of this is lost on me, since I have glazed over and am eyeing the free cookies at the next table)
Me: (realizing he has stopped speaking) Oh?
Jbb: So what are you looking for in a firm?
Me: Um, like, not too conservative?
Jbb: Well we are far from f*cking conservative! Hey? I’ll kick a baby right now! I’ll do a lesbian black midget in front of you and then not marry her! I’ll even….even say the P word!
Me: Mm.


And yet he wants to hire me. Go figure?