10 lies people tell (supposedly to make you feel better) and what they ACTUALLY mean

1. No, those jeans don’t make you look fat! (It’s not the jeans. It’s the lumpy burger-and-fries combo that has become your ass that makes you look fat).

2. It’s no trouble at all. (It’s a serious imposition, but now that you’ve asked me, I don’t want to say no and sound like a douche).


3. Trust me, I know what I’m doing. (I have no idea what I’m doing, but I want to seem in charge. If this breaks, it’s your own fault).


4. I honestly think you are the most beautiful girl in the world (Of course you’re not the most beautiful girl in the world! If you were, you would be in calendars. But, you are the prettiest girl that I have a shot with).


5. It’s not you, it’s me. (There is no doubt about this: it's you! I’m wonderful. You are not. We are over)


6. No, that’s not weird. Everyone does that. (No-one does that! That is completely weird! What the hell were you thinking sharing that with another human being? You disgust me.)


7. That guy? No, I don’t know him (Oh, you meant HIM! Oh, yeah, I thought you meant the guy with the ‘Homeless’ sign standing 20 meters away from the guy I know. Um, yeah, we used to date a little. And by a little I mean we used to play Naked Twister every Tuesday in my less reformed days. )


8. I’m listening. (You talk too much, and I am thinking about Call of Duty/my outfit for tomorrow/dinner).


9. Of course I would tell you if I ever cheat on you! (Do I look stupid? I have a better chance of not cheating on you than ever telling you when/if I do)


10. I don’t mind if you don’t shave. (I LOVE your hairy legs, you don’t have to go waxing today. It’s like having a scratching post right next to me. I feel like a cat.)